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Just now Facebook - even though I didn't have it open, because it has somehow wormed its way into my browser - helpfully informed me that today is Nick's birthday.

He'd have been 41 today.

A brief check on Facebook showed a couple of mutual friends saying they wished he was still here, and his brother being about as pissed off/depressed as me about the birthday reminder. Which made me feel slightly guilty, because if I'm memorialised his account when he died then none of us would be getting the reminders and people wouldn't be sad and upset.

A friend asked me why I don't just do that, and I came up with several excuses very quickly. Some of Nick's friends still like to post to him as though he were still here. I think they require proof and that's awkward and time consuming. I'm not a "verified family member" (just his partner) so they might not even take the request from me.

Honestly? Even 18 or so months down the line, memorialising his FB page feels too much like drawing a line under everything and moving on, and I don't think I can do that yet. Turns out I can hoard even virtual memories. Who knew?

In the past, we'd celebrate Nick's birthday with pizza, either superhero movies or otherwise "bad" movies (like Rockula or The Return of Captain Invincible, which people should probably watch anyway because the latter has Christopher Lee singing a musical number) but as today is a Monday my local friend can't come round so I'm probably going to spend the day quietly. Knitting, crocheting and maybe trying to get through the mountain of DVDs and Blu-Rays I found in bags while moving the chair the other day. And trying not to think about Facebook.

August 2017

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