sareini: "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now" (Scream)
Earlier today I was sitting at my computer in the front room, which is right in front of the window. Callie was in the windowsill, happily trying to catch moths and watching people pass by. I had the blind mostly drawn down, but there was still a good 10 inches to see out of the window.

Two people walked past, which I only half-saw from the other side of the monitor. I did see enough to see one of them stop and point at Callie, which is fine; people see cats in windows and tend to talk to them. I do so myself all the time.

Then I see one of the two bend down and press her face right into the window, looking not just at Callie but at my front room itself. Now bear in mind that I'm sitting no more than two feet from where she's looking in, and I know she can see me as easily as I can see her. She ignores me completely and continues to look into my house like she's window shopping or something, and startling poor Callie into the bargain as she clearly didn't like the extreme close-up either. After about 30 seconds, the woman walks away without a word.

Yesterday when I was in town I decided to treat myself to a lemonade at Costa Coffee. I got lucky, and they're now doing a raspberry lemonade as well, so I had one of those and an egg mayo sandwich. The only place to sit and eat was in the outdoor area, so I went and sat at a table in a corner. No more than two minutes later two teenage boys came over and sat down at the table next to mine... except one of them was not happy with the space he had and started trying to push my table further into the corner so he had more space. He never once looked in my direction even though it was pretty clear I was there.

Then a couple of his friends turned up and this guy stood up to talk to them. Except he didn't just stand up, he leant forward and into me, pushing me aside while he talked with his friends, without a single word. A couple of minutes later, some more friends turned up and he did it again. This time one of his friends noticed what he was doing and looked shocked, but never said anything (they did kind of mouth an apology as they left).

Did I miss the memo where it was decreed that people could disregard others' personal space at will now? This sort of thing freaks me out incredibly, for obvious reasons, and both times I ended up sick and panicking afterwards because of it. Maybe I should start carrying a long, sharp needle to jab at people who pull this crap in future...

*sigh*

May. 31st, 2017 03:58 pm
sareini: (hiding)
Anxiety levels are through the roof again today.

Lily has been sick twice (so far) today, out of nowhere. She did get into my dinner last night which was a Three Cheese Pasta Melt, so maybe the fatty greasy food upset her stomach a little. Or maybe the dosage of her meds needs adjusting. Either way I have to wait till tomorrow to see how she is before deciding whether to take her to the vets' again, so in the meantime my body works itself into a state of high anxiety. She's up on the desk with me right now and she was playing with Callie a little earlier, but I still can't stop myself from panicking. I thought we had finally gotten a hold on things (again) but it seems that every time I dare to think that things go wrong again instead.

Meanwhile, it took me all of two days to decide to reactivate my main character in EVE and apply to rejoin Karmafleet. Got back in with no problems, but due to my general streak of luck with regards to tech, I didn't get access to the forums and Mumble comms back till last night. So now I have Mumble on, and I'm sitting in the comms... but I can't bring myself to speak. I don't know anyone in comms, and so whenever I try to say something my voice just dries up with terror and I can't do it. And it doesn't help that my headset mic is several inches from my mouth and can't be moved because it's set in molded plastic, so I have to fiddle with volume settings to even try to be heard.

So yeah. Not enjoying today.

On Anxiety

Apr. 25th, 2017 03:40 pm
sareini: "I'm sorry, I'm having a bad century" quote from Neil Gaiman's Sandman (Bad Century)
My weekend actually turned out pretty crappy. I ended up spending most of it in the throws of a major anxiety attack, one which left me alternatively just sitting in bed shaking, being physically sick or suffering problems at the other end. Oh, and we can't forget the sleeplessness either. Things didn't really get any better until Monday noontime, when I received something in the mail - but we'll get to that later.

I often find that trying to explain to people what anxiety and/or panic attacks are like is a lot like trying to explain what yellow smells like. The first thing people usually ask is, "Do you know what caused it?" which, on the surface, is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. If you know the cause, you can maybe do something about it. Unfortunately for me, my anxiety attacks are often completely random and with no obvious cause - sometimes I actually wonder if they're triggered by something in my subconscious going, "What? We have nothing to panic about? Let's fix that!" and just panicking for the sake of panicking.

The physical symptoms don't help matters either. Much as with any stressful situation, when you have an anxiety or panic attack your body produces more adrenaline than you really need, to prepare for a "fight or flight" response. And one of the other things adrenaline does is slows down or even stops your digestive system as part of this. But of course, it can't stop forever, which is why I end up backing and forthing to the bathroom with disturbing frequency. And if you're being sick, you can't really get your mind off the anxiety, can you? It's a particularly vicious circle.

So I spent the weekend a panicking mess. I could barely even talk to people, which then started a whole new anxiety loop - "What if they get mad at me? I can't face them after this!" - and on and on it went. Because I can't really explain how bad my anxiety makes me feel, I worry that my friends don't or can't really understand the way I am sometimes; why I disappear randomly, stop replying to them, run away from conversations online - I just randomly reach a level of my ability to cope with things, and the moment things go over that level I'm gone.

But like I said, things got better on Monday. I received a package of yarn for a shawl I've had the pattern for for a while now - the Shawl of Secrets made with Scheepjes Secret Garden yarn. I originally got the pattern several months ago when I was "helping" my niece get free shipping on an order of her own (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it) and last week I decided that I had the excess money to actually buy the yarn - well, most of it anyway, as one colour was out of stock. So I was able to start work on that and finally I had something I could focus on to bring my anxiety down. And it works up really quickly as well - I'm already on the second colour, which makes me slightly bothered that I'll have to stop rather quickly when I reach the part of the shawl that needs the one colour I couldn't get at the time, as I'll have to wait a week and a half before I can get that last colour (I have to put limits on my yarn buying, or the house would be full and we'd be resorting to eating the stuff). But it's very pretty, and it feels very nice - it's 20% cotton, 20% silk, and 60% polyester, which I realised perhaps too late translates to "Bugger to clean, best not get this dirty". But that's something to deal with when it's finished.

***

In other news, I've temporarily renamed Callie to "Bitey McMoglet" after she's spent the last few days on a renewed assault on my feet while I'm in bed. Perhaps the most amusing thing is that she actually responds to it (although to be fair, she also responds to, "Leave your sister alone," and "What are you doing in that bag?").

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