sareini: (creative)
Title: Riposte
Story: My as-yet unnamed Renaissance/Steampunk/magic universe Update: I'm now calling it "Stormborn", at least until I get a better name...
Colours: Fog Grey #4 (clear blue sky); Golden Globe #4 (I want to be alone) ( [community profile] rainbowfic ) 
Styles/Supplies: Graffiti ( Short Films ); canvas ( [community profile] rainbowfic )
Prompt: Bruises ( [community profile] allbingo )
Word Count: 722
Rating: PG for one moment of language
Characters: Talia; Iacopo; Dario (mentioned)

Tali sat on the rock... )
sareini: Bub from Day of the Dead (bub!)
(Aside from the whole mental illness thing, that is.)

Since I came up with the idea for my video review series last week, my brain has been constantly nagging me with ideas for it. "Hey!" it shrills at me while I'm doing something completely unconnected, like cleaning the litter boxes. "We should totally do American Horror Story for the video series as well! All of them! Starting with Murder HouseMasters of Horror show out of the way first. And, you know, actually make a video, which we can't do right now because the audio panel on the computer doesn't recognise microphone jacks-"

"And The Strain! Do that too! And-"

"Brain, you're getting way too ahead of us here. You're making plans at least a year in advance, and-"

Small spoiler for an episode of The Strain S1 )

"Brain, shut up. I'm wrestling with 30l of cat litter here, you could at least help."

And so on. All week. Eventually I made a compromise and made a list of shows and episodes that I could conceivably do video reviews of, some time in the future, and it seems to have soothed that part of my brain for the time being. But I really do hate it when my brain gets fixated and over-excited about things like this, trying to divert energy and attention from everything else that I want or have to do.
sareini: "Little one, I would like to see anyone - prophet, king or god - persuade 1000 cats to do anything at the same time." (1000 cats)
Callie caught and ate a spider the other night.

It was about 2am and I was trying to sleep, but Callie was bouncing all over the place, squeak chirp meow, crash bang wallop. So I got up and turned the light on to see what was making her so hyper, and found her fixated on a corner of the room. I looked there and there was a spider - looking quite a bit like a Daddy Longlegs (so I suppose that's what it was) hanging from a web halfway down the wall. Callie was chirping excitedly at it in the way that cats do when they're trying to hunt something and haven't got the stealth tactic down. I wished her luck and got back into bed; two minutes later she leaps up onto the bed with half a thorax and a couple of legs sticking out of her mouth.

I feel slightly guilty for not trying to stop her, but at the same time I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have been possible anyway, for she is a cat and hunting is something they do. Even 100% indoor cats like Callie. She once brought me a fly she'd caught - as in, carried it up the stairs in her mouth and dropped it gently on my foot while I was in bed. It was not only still intact, it was still alive. That's pretty impressive (if also gross).

Lily doesn't bother much with hunting now, although in the past she and Cracker used to double-team spiders in the living room - one on each side of wherever one hid so they had all escapes covered. And the first time Marley killed a pigeon in my back yard, Lily raced to the back door in hopes of being let out to join in the fun. It's interesting to see that the instinct is still there and so strong, even with cats who've never had to hunt their own food even once in their lives.

Hair

Aug. 1st, 2017 11:06 pm
sareini: (air kanji)
I cut my hair short a couple of weeks ago. Not for any self-punishing or self-harm reasons like I have in the past, but because it was getting difficult to keep under control and becoming uncomfortable in the summer heat flashes we've been having.

I have a love-hate thing going with my hair. It's mid-to-dark brown in colour (with flashes of red), which means that, if I ever want to dye it interesting colours (which is most of the time lately), I've got to bleach it quite vigourously first. It's also curly in the Irish way, which means that if I have a bad day or two and don't brush it to within an inch of its life, it snarls up very quickly and becomes even more difficult to handle. So it's great when I'm in a state of mind to appreciate it, but otherwise very high maintenance. So cutting it short like this is probably for the best right now.

(Nick hated me cutting my hair short. It was a weird thing; he would really get upset if my hair got too snarled up to be saved by brushing and would have to be strategically trimmed. I think maybe some of my feelings about having it cut short are still tied into that.)

Of course, the best case scenario would be to get it done by a professional hairdresser, but that costs money and I'm trying to save as much as I can for later this month when I visit my niece and we go to a yarn festival together. So I looked at a few pictures on Google, tipped my head forward so that my hair all hung down, and set to it with scissors. It didn't turn out too bad in the end, I think - I managed to get it more or less even on all sides, with no random bits of long hair sticking out that I missed or anything. Which really is the best you can hope for, I think, when you're cutting your hair yourself.

The style I think I've ended up with would be best described as "fat and slightly punk Rachel Maddow" (because I've still got a few random streaks of pink and purple from where I tried to dye my hair blue a few months ago. There was no blue in the end result). If I can, I'd like to bleach and dye it again before I go up to see my niece in two-and-a-half weeks, but that will also depend on whether I can force the motivation into myself to do it. But if I do I think I'll see what makes a better purple - the purple hair dye or the blue one.
sareini: "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says, 'Bugger'." from Blackadder (Bugger)
Ugh, but this week has been a mess.

The first half of the week was taken up with my mind waging a minor war against me. I would be lying in bed trying to fall asleep and I'd hear "voices" coming from "downstairs". Whether these were actually noises from outside that I was mishearing, or hypnagogic hallucinations I don't know, but the result was the same - bolt awake and lie there trying to work out what was going on for several minutes each time. I ended up having to remind myself that, if there was really someone else in the house, the cats would be reacting to it and they were still lying, dead to the world, on the bed or in the bedroom doorway.

I had a moment of thinking Nick was still here as well, which was disorientating more than upsetting, but still not something I want to be happening regularly (because of the disorientation).

My anxiety's been particularly high and the one time I went out this week I couldn't stop myself from thinking that everyone was watching me.

And then finally I had no concentration for most of the week, so I couldn't really get anything done. So thank you, broken brain.

Then, over the last couple of days, I've been suffering from a lurgy. Headache, aches in all my limbs as though I'd just hiked up and down a mountain, a slight fever, a feeling of being utterly run down and stomach upsets. Hopefully I'm starting to come out of it now (in that I ache slightly less today) but I probably still need to catch up on a fair bit of sleep (which I couldn't do today as I had to sit around waiting for a delivery of cat litter all day that didn't arrive until 6:30pm).

***

Creativity-wise, this week I mainly worked on the Rock A-Z cross stitch. I took a day off today, because my arms already ached without adding the pain of RSI from holding them in the same position for hours while I stitched, but I've finished up to the letter O, so I'm at least halfway through. I figure it's going to take me a little over a week now to finish it altogether.

I've also been practicing sock skills. I'm enjoying using the magic loop and toe-up patterns for knitting socks, but I'm still having the problem of ladders on either side of the sock from the magic loop. So far I've not had much success in correcting this; I'm either going to have to keep looking till I find a way that works for me, or just resign myself to the fact that I'm going to be crocheting the sides together when I'm done.

Finally, I think I've at last come up with a workable idea for a video review series to go with my blog. I'd originally thought I was just going to do video reviews of movies I'd already reviewed, but I kept thinking that was somewhat redundant at best. Then today I remembered the old Masters of Horror TV series from 2005-2007, where a whole bunch of horror directors got together and each made an hour-long TV episode, doing (for the most part) whatever they wanted. I'd been thinking about doing a review marathon for them at some point anyway, and so it struck me that trying out a video review format would probably work with them without disrupting the movie review portion of the blog. So now the next step is to start to properly learn how to use Premiere Elements 14, which has been sitting on my computer waiting for a year now. And also to work out whether I have a microphone that works, or if the part of my computer tower that I plug my headset in is in need of fixing.
sareini: "chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done!" (chaos)
I am afraid of emergency broadcasts.

But Why? )


tl;dr - I'm very strange and have some strange interests and phobias. But I'm also fascinated by them.
sareini: Organising gods is like herding cats into straight lines. They don't take naturally to it - American Gods (Organising Cats)
I've spent the past few days really focusing on the A-Z of rock cross stitch for my brother's birthday, and I'm now halfway through J (for Judas Priest). The biggest problem I'm coming up against at the moment is using the special gold and silver threads I bought for accents, because they're thicker than regular cross stitch threads and so I also have to use a bigger needle when working with them just to thread them through the eye. Which also makes it frustrating when I mess up and need to unpick a few stitches. Still, the end result looks good so it'll be worth it.

The burstitis/mystery hip injury continues to be a pain in the... well, hip. The Deep Freeze gel helps to an extent so I can move about without too much pain, but if I go too long without reapplying it I end up hobbling round the house emitting little cries of pain while Callie dances around my feet, working on her Underfoot skills. I'm aiming to get a doctor's appointment on Monday (I couldn't Thursday or Friday as I had deliveries due and it would be just my luck that they'd arrive while I was out).

I got a letter this morning from E.on - I thought it would be about the complaint I made on Monday and it was related... but no, it was actually a letter from them gently telling me off (but still telling me off) for not letting the engineer in the house when I was trying to catch my cat to go to the vet. So I ended up on hold for 40 minutes with them before getting through to a very nice CSR called Paula to complain again (because even if I wasn't so anxious as to not want to let people in like that, if someone is about to leave the house when you call you don't get to throw a strop at them and storm off). A formal complaint has now been filed, mainly just to put this on record as it's not like I was ever expecting to get anything more than a general apology, and we're going to make the arrangements to get a Smart Meter fitted so that no meter reader ever has to darken my door again. I just have to speak to the landlord and then clear the front room (possibly easier said than done). That'll lead to me calling the Greenfields Centre again on Monday to see if I can speak to one of the people who are covering for my social worker while she's recovering from whatever terrible lurgy has afflicted her, because they're always offering me help with organising and cleaning the house.

Movie reviews for the week:

Martin (1978) - George A Romero's personal favourite of all his films.
Without Warning (1980) - Martin Landau stars in the film that inspired Predator
Without Warning (1994) - War of the Worlds-inspired TV movie that I think is pretty underrated.

Also, three times this week I've gone to the corner shop to buy milk for my cereal, then forgotten to buy it. Where is my helper monkey?

Burstitis

Jul. 19th, 2017 06:06 pm
sareini: (doctor)
I had plans for not going anywhere for the rest of the week, I really did. But as the saying goes, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans."

For the past couple of weeks or so I've been having a pain in my right hip. At first I thought it was down to sitting in a new chair at the computer, and did my best to change my posture to try to fix the problem. Plus, it only seemed to occur when I was getting up from the chair, so I thought little of it. But it didn't go away, and started getting worse - staying around for longer and happening when I turned over in bed or walked up or down the stairs. And the pain got worse as well.

I did some research on the internet, consulting Doctor Google, and came to the conclusion that it was most likely a case of Burstitis of the hip - annoying, certainly, but by no means life-threatening and treatable with painkillers. At some point, I told myself, I would brave the nightmare of the telephone system that my GP uses for appointments and get it looked at, but there was no rush.

...at least there was no rush until today, when I woke up to pain so bad whenever I did anything but sit that I was almost being sick or falling over, and painkillers were doing nothing. There was no way to get a doctor's appointment (I tried registering online and got told I could book one appointment online, but then it told me I couldn't book an appointment until I'd had an appointment, thus becoming a Mobius Appointment System) for at least three weeks, and I wasn't going to go to a walk-in centre or worse, A&E for something that, as painful as it was, wasn't going to kill me any time soon, so there was only one option left to me.

Hobble into town (or at least to the bus stop) and go to Boots the Pharmacist for some painkilling gel.

Thankfully the journey was more or less easy and I got myself a large tube of Deep Freeze gel, and thank Eris and all the little Discordian saints, it works! Not 100%, but enough that I can move around without so much pain that I honestly think I'm going to be sick with it. I've had plantar fasciitis, sciatica and a bladder and kidney infection that have all had me on bed rest for a week or more with the pain, and this hip pain was pretty damn close to them. Hopefully the gel will keep the pain levels down till I can see an actual doctor (fun times calling at 8am and praying to beat the rush of everyone else who needs an appointment as well).

I had plans to watch a dodgy 1980 sci-fi horror movie today and review it as well. Instead I've been watching mocked-up Emergency Broadcast videos and scaring myself half to death instead (I should explain all that in another post).

Mondays.

Jul. 17th, 2017 06:26 pm
sareini: "I'm sorry, I'm having a bad century" quote from Neil Gaiman's Sandman (Bad Century)
I'm starting to believe someone recently put a curse on me.

Lily had a vet appointment today. To catch up; Lily has been receiving treatment for a condition known as cholangiohepatitis since the beginning of the year. It's an inflammation of the liver and bile ducts, and unfortunately in Lily's case it is chronic, which means it periodically flares up and can't be really cured, just managed. She's on a mix of antibiotics and steroids for this, and it's improved her condition tremendously - in January she was vomiting daily, severely jaundiced and had lost about 2kg in weight. Now she has periodic bouts of vomiting, but the jaundice is being kept to a minimum and she's put her lost weight back on and more, to the point where I'm having to put her on a diet. We're coping the best we can.

I was just starting to get things ready for the trip to the vets when there was a knock on the door. It turned out to be someone coming to read the gas and electric meters; something I was not expecting, plus I was in the middle of stuff and the front room is such a mess that it's not really possible to get to the gas meter right now anyway. I try to explain this to the meter reader but he just snarls at me, "You said this last time. You just don't want to have your meter read," and stalked off.

So that was asshole #1 to upset me.

So I chased Lily around the house for a bit, got her in the carrier and got the taxi to the vet. There she got checked over - jaundice levels the same as last time, no other problems - but then the vet (who was a locum I'd not seen at the place before) started talking about pancreatic cancer.

If Lily had pancreatic cancer I'm pretty sure we'd have noticed it by now, since she's been seen monthly and at one point fortnightly since January and ultrasounds have shown that the mass around her bile ducts in January reduced in size considerably after a month on the meds (we just can't take her off them because she starts being sick again). But thanks for worrying me unnecessarily there. Then, as I'm closing the carrier up and getting ready to leave, I mention that my goal is really just to get her to 19, as my readings had shown me a 5-year survival rate for cats with this condition, and while I know she's not going to live forever, if I can keep her strong for as long as possible I'll have done my job as cat owner. The vet responds, "Oh, I don't think that will happen."

...I guess I should just not bother then, should I?

Asshole #2 needs to work on his bedside manner.

Add to that the Spanish Plume that's headed our way this week (temperatures up to 28 degrees, then thunderstorms and heavy rain!) and the deaths of George A Romero and Martin Landau, and I'm feeling pretty beaten down today. I think I'm going to spend the evening eating ice cream and crafting. Maybe watching stuff to put my mind on autopilot. Tomorrow will be better.

Needles

Jul. 15th, 2017 04:42 pm
sareini: "Yes, bugger all that. Let's curse somebody." - Discworld (Curse)
Well, today has certainly been an interesting day.

The Tour-de-Sock started today, and so I excitedly went to see what the first pattern would be. Looks great... except it's a toe-up pattern and I've never done that before. But that's one of the reasons I signed up for this; so that I could learn some new techniques. So, toe-up cast-ons.

Except after 20 minutes of trying, I realised I was not going to be able to do the cast-on with the double-pointed needles I had. And unfortunately, my one pair of circular sock needles was brutally murdered by Callie a few months ago (also the last time I buy bamboo needles). So I figured that my only remaining option was to go to the knitting shop in the next town over and buy some metal circular sock needles. And to save money and challenge myself a bit, I was going to go by bus.

It should have been easy enough. Use the local bus service's journey planner, get on buses, everything's fine. But between the first and second leg of the journey, I forgot what bus to get, and so re-input the details on my phone. Except it turns out that if you type in "59 High Street, Newcastle-under-Lyme" it takes you to a different place than if you type in "59 High Street, Wolstanton, Newcastly-under-Lyme", which is where I actually wanted to go. So that was an interesting - albeit slightly terrifying - detour.

I finally get to the store, and I decide that after all the trials of getting there, I deserve a reward, and so I bought some yarn as well. I made sure at least to get sock yarn so it'll at least get used up.

Getting back was a little bit easier, since I had a better idea of what I was doing by then... but I missed my final connecting bus by one minute (more like 20 seconds, in fact, as I watched him pull out of the stop as I came within range). That left me with a 30-minute wait for the next bus, so I decided to go buy a drink.

I'm just walking out of the bus station when a middle-aged man holding his phone walks up to me and stops me. He looks a little lost so I'm prepared to give badly-described directions to him.

"Hello," he says. "I'm new here... and I was wondering where... I could fuck you."

Stoke-on-Trent, ladies and gentlemen! Shortlisted for City of Culture 2021!

I just stared for a second while my brain assured me that yes, that's exactly what I just heard, before I managed to respond, "You don't. Go away." and I started to walk in a radically different direction from him. He then called after me, "Is that a no then?"

Yes. Yes it is a definite no, you creepy stranger accosting people outside of bus stations. I was worried he was going to start following me but the homeless woman who begs for spare change nearby started yelling at him for being a creeper as well, so I was saved. Next time I see her I'm going to give her money for a coffee.

Now I'm home, where the cats have greeted me with great joy because it means they get lunch, and I'm making plans to not leave the house again except for essentials for at least a week (Ross's birthday and Lily's vet visit aside). Next time someone asks why I get so anxious about going out I'm going to point them to this tale.
sareini: "Little one, I would like to see anyone - prophet, king or god - persuade 1000 cats to do anything at the same time." (1000 cats)
Last night, Callie had a Mad Half-Hour (which turned into a Mad Two Hours - Lily climbed into her cardboard box, pulled the lid over herself and stayed there for the duration) and during her extended Zoomies she decided that the Suicide Squad poster in the front room had to go.

To be fair, it's partially my fault. I put the cat tree right next to it, within easy reach of over-excited kittens.

She shredded Slipknot and took half of the Joker's face off (ironic, really), before grabbing the piece of poster that she'd removed, squeaking excitedly, and running out of the room with it. I found her later crouched over it like a fresh kill, utterly pleased with herself. I suppose when you're a 100% indoor kitty you have to hunt what you can.

But the event did remind me that I've wanted to put more posters and pictures up in the house for some time - I've just been delayed by forgetting repeatedly and by the cost of a lot of posters. When I finally finish things like the Horror Movie Maniacs cross stitch and do other stuff for myself I'll be putting them up, of course, but that could take some time with the way I work on things and the randomness of my depressive apathy attacks. So that leaves posters in the interim, but they're (a) difficult to find the ones I'd like; and (b) usually very expensive.

I got lucky today though, and found an internet place with a "Today only!" 40% sale going on, and so bought myself a couple of posters. If I had infinite money, I'd have gotten this or this, but the cost to get a decent-sized one, even unframed, was too much for me right now. So I got a couple of more qaffordable posters, and when they arrive I shall stick them to the wall with BluTac or whatever else I can find, and hopefully they'll be in places where certain cats can't reach them.

(Callie appears to have decided just now that tonight Captain Boomerang must fall, while she finishes off the Joker. Maybe I should get her a Catwoman poster.)
sareini: "Things need not have happened to be true." - Dream of the Endless (Dreams)
11. A song that you never get tired of



Don't know why exactly, but I really could cheerfully listen to this song on repeat for quite some time before feeling a psychotic break coming on. Then again, I've always liked the Eurythmics in general.
sareini: (tired)
9. A song that makes you happy
Not much explanation here )

10. A song that makes you sad
A little more explanation here )

The past couple of days have been annoying because I've been suffering from thunderstorm headaches a lot. My thunderstorm headaches often are like mini-migraines; focusing on the area above and behind my right eye so I get vision problems along with the pain. My usual treatment for them is to go lie down and take a nap till they hopefully go away rather than take painkillers, but things aren't helped when the promised thunderstorms never actually arrive and the pressure stays low and the weather stays humid, and my head stays painful.

But I managed to drag myself out of the house this evening and went to Tesco's to do some food shopping. I even treated myself with some coconut chunks (which I'll have to keep from Lily as she likes the taste of coconut) and a few other things. I also got a Robinsons "Refresh'D" Raspberry and Apple drink but I was not impressed. I don't know if it's just me, but every time I've tried something of Robinsons it's just tasted like flavoured liquid plastic to me, which is kind of ironic really.
sareini: "Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says, 'Bugger'." from Blackadder (Bugger)
At the weekend I went out and bought a frame for Ross's birthday present, as it was very nearly done and I'm doing my best to be organised here. When I got it home, however, and placed the nearly finished Aida over the frame, I found that the picture was ever-so-slightly too big for the frame. How can this be? I measured it and everything! I was frustrated and resigned myself to having to go back into town this week to exchange the frame for a slightly bigger one and do some re-framing magic to try to hide the fact that the new frame would be too big on the y axis.

Then I looked at the cross stitch a little more closely. One had, I realised, was a tiny bit larger than the others. The danger of doing stuff like cross stitch while you're also watching a werewolf movie series for reviewing purposes and being dyscalculaic means that you run the risk of miscounting the number of stitches in a row sometimes without noticing. Which is what I'd done. The picture was too wide for the frame by two squares - exactly the number of extra squares I had accidentally added.

Thankfully, this has happened on the figure I was working on most recently and hadn't yet finished, because if it had been on any of the other figures I'd have probably given up and cried a fair bit. So I put it to one side for a couple of days and today I'm going to set about the task of unpicking till the point where I made the mistake and then redoing it properly.

The Howling franchise: messing up my cross stitch as well as being a dodgy series.
sareini: ('everything is true')
8. A song about drugs or alcohol

This song literally popped into my head the moment I read today's prompt. I've never taken any recreational drugs (with my mental illnesses I figured it was just inviting trouble), but this song seems to pretty much fill me on anything I might have missed.


sareini: (loki)
My brother came down to visit and we went to see Spiderman: Homecoming.

Non-spoiler thoughts: Very good film. Funny in all the right places, with a good-action-to-real life ratio. Michael Keaton is really good as the Vulture - far better, I think, than some of the previous over-the-top villains we've had in previous Spider-Man films.

Spider-Spoilers! )


Last night I also watched up to the end of episode 4 of season One of Preacher, which I'd been meaning to do for some time but I'm easily distracted. I decided to make a go of catching up on everything because I'd been talking with my brother about it on the phone last night, and how much it was different to the graphic novels. Well, I'd already known some of the differences, but I hadn't known how far they went...

Spoilers for the first four episodes of season One of Preacher )


So yeah. I'm going to keep watching Preacher, despite my complaints, because apparently Season Two starts following the books more, and what I've seen so far of the Saint of Killers, Fiore and Leblanc, and Herr Starr (all 30 seconds of him) give me hope that there's still good stuff in there waiting to come out. But I just do not get the reasons for such massive changes to backstories, especially when the changes actually feel weaker, plotwise.
sareini: Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental (Reality)
7. A song to drive to

Another difficult one, as I don't drive and most likely never will (the anxiety would be way too much to cope with and I'd be a danger on the roads with it). But years and years ago I was at least attempting to learn to drive, and I had *ideas* of what I would do when I was rich and could buy anything I wanted. One thing in particular that I wanted was a Porsche Boxster, and I used to imagine myself driving around to this song. So I guess this is the closest answer I can give :)




sareini: "Yes, bugger all that. Let's curse somebody." - Discworld (Curse)
6. A song that makes you want to dance

This one's actually a difficult one, because the majority of songs I listen to make me want to dance in one way or another. I took dancing lessons (ballet, tap, modern and ballroom) as a child and while I was ill-proportioned and possessed of two left feet a lot of the time, I still enjoyed it. I'd put on mix tapes or compilation tapes and just "dance" around the room for hours (to be fair, a lot of it was running, bouncing or just throwing myself enthusiastically about, but I think I get points for effort). Even now I still get the urge to just bounce around the room when listening to music.

So in the end I went for this song, because it feels pretty much like an essence of feeling like you want to dance and just getting up and doing so.


sareini: "I'm sorry, I'm having a bad century" quote from Neil Gaiman's Sandman (Bad Century)
With The Howling: Reborn I have finished the July Howling Franchise Marathon and can now go back to slacking off and watching films I actually want to watch (until November when Shark Week 2 comes around). To be fair, Reborn was a marked improvement over some of the previous sequels (admittedly that wasn't exactly hard) and it got me thinking about a werewolf apocalypse. World War Werewolves, if you will. Hmmm...

In other news, the text telling me my prescription was ready came through, so I took myself into town for that and my monthly crochet magazine. The whole trip wouldn't have been too bad despite the heat and the Saturday shopping crowds, but the pharmacist decided to spring one of those Medicine Checks" on me, which involves being locked in a small room with the pharmacist while she goes through all your meds and asks if you're okay on them and are they working, etc. I already had one of these two months ago so I wasn't too happy to begin with, but I did my best to put on my best smile and went along with it.

...until she asked me if I was "happy" now I was on the antidepressants. Now I've been on these drugs for well over a decade at this point; tried weaning off them with the doctor's permission several times, but each time I'd get to below 150mg and everything would go to hell. And since Nick died it's been more of a case of them just keeping me going from day-to-day, never mind making me "happy". I consider it a good day if I get myself out of bed sometimes. So I tell her that, and she immediately feels the need to inform me of all the extra ways I can work to "fix" my depression.

I know she meant well. I really do. But in the 18 years I've been diagnosed with depression, I've heard of, read up on and tried many things as well as the medication to try to help my condition. And I've come up with several things that I know help, through trial and error, and I do them whenever possible. I don't go out very often because the outside world scares me and makes me anxious enough to be physically sick sometimes, so going on a half-hour walk every day probably isn't going to help, and it's probably not the first time I've had this suggested to me either. The pharmacist then went on to tell me that she feels anxious too, as she's originally from Spain and she has to come to work every day in a strange country, so it's okay! Don't feel so anxious! And all I can think is, "Oh great. Now I feel bad that I have uncontrollable anxiety and panic attacks because this woman's come to a whole other country with a whole other language to work and she worries about what other people think of her."

I told her she was really nice, caring about me like that and wanting to help me, and I'd definitely try to do what she suggested. Then I slunk away feeling like pond scum. But I really wish people wouldn't tell the mentally ill to exercise to"cure" them. We don't tell people with physical illnesses to "walk it off" (well, we do for some of them, but that's not the point here).

On the other hand, while walking to the bus stop to get into town I met this handsome fellow, who was sunning himself on the pavement when I saw him. He came running up to me meowing happily and gave me a good sniff, but then decided he didn't want a fuss and so just sat watching me and meowing. Maybe it was because I smelled of GIRLCAT. He was perfectly happy to have his picture taken though.


Headache

Jul. 7th, 2017 05:01 pm
sareini: (hiding)
I think Howling VII: New Moon Rising broke my brain. That's about the only reason I can come up with as to why I developed a headache after watching and reviewing it.

Well, it could also be a thunderstorm headache, but that doesn't bring across quite how bad Howling VII is, so let me hyperbolise for a bit.

30 Days of Music Meme - Day 4! )

September 2017

S M T W T F S
     12
3 45 678 9
101112 13 141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Oct. 17th, 2017 12:28 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios